“The keeper knew as I now do
Even buried deep…as ever dug
And mines to keep…still,
Fate scrapes the earth through which the bones are tilled.

Plough that salt seed deeper still
Where fire might char it’s root
Else let Winter’s finger chill
Expose malignant fruits”

“Gilt” – Unfinished Poem by H.McMillan

I started writing a poem, years ago, about guilt! And…because I thought I was a bit of a smart arse, I played with the notion of guilt as something buried. We bury and try to forget. But…life has a way of eroding that which covers our deepest secrets. And, I used ‘Gilt’ as a title for the poem and to suggest something which would catch the eye and draw you to explore further. I never finished it and never will.

I’m still a bit obsessed with Guilt though! I recognise how it motivates me and I know how to push that button. We can all push the button in others…to get what we want. For example…I wasn’t as good as I could have been to my parents. Wait…what? How can that be, I hear you ask! But it was just teenager-y-ness…being a teenager with the lack of awareness and the self-absorption that comes with the territory. I disappeared ‘up north’ with my pals for months and months to Tomintoul, never giving a second thought to my mum and that must have been hard for her. However, she could be very subtle when she pushed the guilt button…but it was effective! (Where else did I learn about guilt? I wasn’t born into a religious family – I think Church on Sunday was a social event for my mother and the only time I got to wear my kilt as a 5-year old.)

Anyhoo…Guilt might be the only way we keep in contact with each other in these Pandemic Days. I know I’m ‘boosted’ when I get a video call from our youngest son Mike and Anne is ‘made up’ when she gets a call from our older two sons, David and Alistair. How sad it is…that many people have been unable to be with their dying loved ones. And…typically…I’ve written a song about that! (I’m sorry…I’m embarrassed because it might seem that I’m trying to benefit from the misery of others…but that’s not it! The songs are my way of processing life.)

I must contact my sister Helen and my brother William…and…I advise you to contact people too. It may be the last time!

I’m starting to associate the smell of bleach with shopping! Everything is sprayed and wiped before it goes into the house. But it’s becoming part of our basic routine…Taking some disinfectant spray and wiping down everything you buy! Get wood! Get food! Eat! Sleep! So, shopping = done!

Our landlady kindly suggested that we collect some of the wood piled nearby for our stove. There were around 8 trunks of various widths (5 – 20 inch diameter) laying near to the road, which just needed chain-sawing into carry-able bits! So, on with the boiler suit and “Hi ho Hi ho…” I picked them up a couple of days ago but today was the day it was chopped…firewood = done!

• 

• 

• 

Next? Record a tune that I wrote the words to yesterday…should be easy! The title track of the latest collection of tunes – Findoglen. We live in a beautiful place…a really romantic setting next to the loch. There has been a house on this site for hundreds of years. One previous house was raised to the ground (funny expression). Anyhoo…when the British Crown’s soldiers finished murdering the 1745 battle survivors, they moved through the glens burning the houses of Jacobite sympathisers and, I believe, whoever lived here was a sympathiser.

When we arrived, it was just turning to Autumn and there were gold, crimson and auburn everywhere and the Stags had just begun ‘rutting’.

We got to see the Gamekeeper and Gillie come back from ‘shoots’ on the hill with the white Ponies carrying Stags. Then, before we knew it, there was Winter…though with not as much snow as usually falls (I’ve been told!) But, winter is when the Feral Goats have their kids, so there was that! Next came Spring, which has been fantastic because previous occupants have planted bulbs in lots of places, so, little surprises of colour. Also, there are bushes…yellow, pink, red, bursting into beautiful… and the trees are filling-out with lots of green leaves. Then, the Lambs arrived and started bouncing everywhere! So, just a guitar and a vocal should cover everything I want to say!! Well…as I should have realised, it turned out to be a bit more a guitar and vocal but it’s now uploaded to Bandcamp. Song = done!

Okay…I do like the vocal – mostly – but I need to do it again because the fourth verse was actually meant to be a break or bridge with a different melody and different chords. But…I couldn’t record anything that I liked, so I ended up just repeating the verse chords and leaving the wonky vocal melody. So I need to re-write the words and re-do the vocal! Also, I’m not happy about the drums…and I need to re-string my guitar and record with new strings. Apart from that, it’s coming along!

*** 26th May Update ***

• Re-recorded a basic Drum track
• Recorded a Bass Guitar
• Recorded a Saxaphone part
• Recorded Spiccato Strings part
• Recorded Synth part

*** 27th May Update ***

• Removed Synth part
• Re-recorded main Vocal
• Recorded 12 Guitar part

I’ve wanted to cover the tune “Beggin‘”, since I heard the Madcon version. The original tune was sung by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I started a couple of years ago by recording a basic Guitar, Bass and Piano. The opening guitar was surprisingly easy, as was the piano, four-note intro. Also, the bass intro…do-doob, doobey-doob doo.. I doobey-did with no problem! Next came the high piano ‘morse code’ part. Suddenly, it was beginning to take shape! I should have left it there! Quit while I was ahead!

I had forgotten all about it until a couple of days ago and I thought “I’ll just add some parts, do a vocal and it’ll be done!” – easy peasy!

Well, it’s done and uploaded to Bandcamp, here, but I’m going to have to make some changes. First problem is, there’s too much in it! I need to get rid of some of the guitars – the parts don’t stand out. Second, the backing vocals need to be re-done – it’s made up of three harmonies I did but, as I’m no Frankie Valli and no Four Season, I tried to ‘fatten’ them up using a pitch changer, which kind-of-worked, sort of nearly-ish! However, the biggest mistake was forgetting to do the Oooo’s! The Oooo’s are probably the best bit of backing vocals in the tune. And, finally, there are some conflicting frequencies between one of the guitar parts and one of the piano parts. The basic chords are A-minor, G, F and E, but I decided to add some ‘magic’ to the piano part by changing the F to an E suspended. Very jazz…but I didn’t do that with the original guitar part, and it’s noticeable.

Ach well…what the hell! Here’s a nice picture which explains things beautifully…

*** UPDATE – June 2020 *** Reduced all the Reverb – Muted lots of Guitar parts – Removed all the Pitch layering on all the Vocals – Still haven’t added the Oooo’s though! ***

*** UPDATE – Nov 2020 *** Redone all the vocals – Muted more guitar parts – Added more Piano parts – I also added the Oooo’s part using Piano because I couldn’t sing the harmonies (too high for my voice!) ***

*** Definitely done Now! ***

I’m working on a tune which has a ‘Happy Monday’ feel and I almost have the bass and drums completed. It’s really difficult to do when you don’t have a drum kit and your drum skills are, at best, average. I’ve used Hydrogen to do the bass drum and snare patterns and added occasional snare and tom fills – but I can’t find a drum kit sound that fits. I have also tried some loops but can’t find any that fit what I want. It’s a slow process!

I’ve recorded two bass lines which bounce off each other quite well and I like the main guitar riff I did. There’s also a flute sound which is great in the bridge with reverb. And…all-in-all, I have a structure and it’s progressing. I just have some additional guitars to record and write lyrics.

Lyrics…that’s going to be a challenge! Given that I didn’t grow up in Manchester and I’m not the right demographic to reflect a wide-boy, monkey-walking, loud-mouth, Happy Monday style of topic! I don’t roll when I walk, I don’t have a melon that can be squeezed! (Though…We do still have a couple of Oranges from last week’s shopping.) I haven’t snorted anything or expect to soon! My woman hasn’t done me wrong, isn’t giving me grief and there are, certainly, no Policemen offering to restrain me. There’s nothing about my current lifestyle or where we live that’s relevant to a young Mancunian of the 90’s! So…inspiration will need to come from my past…or politics! In the early 90’s, I was at Stirling Uni and expecting to be a Dad, so lots of music passed me by while I worried about Poetry, Plays and Broadcast Media.

I’ve added some colour, from my Jazz palette…some ‘Mu Chords’ just underneath the main guitar part. It might all come to nothing…but here it as at the moment – Dance when I die.

I just started fleshing out some structure for a tune that’s been hanging around a while. I used it on the “Contemporary Scottish Wedding March” in 2012 but I think it has potential to be a good wee song. So far, it starts with:

“Between the joker in the big house and the fool across the pond
It seems whichever way you turn there’s no-one to rely upon”

17/04/20

You might recognise BoJo and Trump! Anyhoo…I have now recorded a version (still not happy with the vocal melody (or the singing!) and I uploaded it – ‘Living in Extraordinary Times‘. But, it occurs to me that I should filter what I upload – I mean, only upload things that I am 100% sure are ‘good’. The problem…if I did that…is that I would only really have a couple of tunes uploaded. For me to think a tune is ‘good’, (Remember – None of these apply to my tunes!!) it would need to have:

• A great melody, sung by the best voice suited to the tune
• The right lyrics (or amount of lyrics)
• The right arrangement – i.e., the right instruments playing the right parts at the right time
• The right recordings of the right musician/s
• The right final mix

But, even if I could miraculously manage all of that, the tune wouldn’t be considered ‘good’ by everyone – only me! Music is such a personal thing. Most people have incredibly strong views on what they consider ‘good’ music, I think, because it’s a gate to emotions! It is a means of triggering emotions – we see, we hear, we smell, we touch, we taste and this is our veil of perception – and emotions also trigger our past experiences, our memories, reinforcing them (Hmm! Maybe that’s why I want to maime whenever I hear Morrisey?? Good tunes though!) So every tune I record goes up (almost), because they are ‘good’ enough for me, at the time of recording. Although, sometimes I listen to a tune after a long time I decide that it’s not ‘good’ enough after all and could be better – that happens too often! All we can do is ‘good enough’.

Anyhoo…it’s great, and a surprise, when someone else thinks a tune I wrote is good – that has happened a couple of times, honest!

Anyhoo…Meanwhile, Anne and I are running out of milk (we drink a lot of tea), so a trip to Aldi in Crieff is required (…and more beer! 🙂 )

It’s been a beautiful day outside…but I choose to be inside. I’m struggling a little bit with my mental health and feeling a little bit down. I’m tired, cold and listless.

However…there is a wise remedy that I picked up from a Scottish Motivator called Watt Nicol some years back, when he did a motivational gig for Lead Scotland where I worked at the time.

“When you are feeling listless…make a list!”

Watt Nicoll

So, here’s my list:

• Win the lottery
• Get warm (consistently)
• Buy a house
• Eat something
• Give money to my sons so that they can buy houses (or whatever they want!)
• Have a beer

Seems reasonable…and I’ve already started with 4 and 6. We had Pesto Pasta and Meatballs with Rocket and I had a beer last night, while watching “House” on Amazon Prime – Tick! Tick! And there’s a Lottery ticket on for tonight – We can’t get consistently warm, buy a house or give money to sons until number one happens!

Anyhoo…I did manage to finish a new version of the tune “Life gets in the way” and upload it. And…I started writing more words for a new song “Living in Extraordinary Times”.

Living in Extraordinary Times

Between the joker in the big house and the fool across the pond
It seems whichever way you turn these days, there’s no-one to depend upon
Cousins turn against their cousin – while right-wing voices cheer them on
And any kindly thoughts or wisdom is long-forgotten or long-gone

Has it always been the same and maybe I just never noticed
Could all the prejudice and blame be a sign that we’re…
Living in extraordinary times

Migrant families make the crossings with the borders out of reach
To make a front page for the media – one dead baby on the beach
Economies in lockdown by a virus strain from bats
But all the poverty they generate – well, we’re okay with that?

Has it always been the same and maybe I just never noticed
All the economic games are a sign that we’re…
Living in extraordinary times

And now a question must be answered. Do we all just carry on
Or have these moments re-defined us and what we value now?

We’re living in extraordinary times.

17/04/2020

Anne felt that there should be a final, optimistic verse! A verse which reflects the world’s current zeitgeist and the need for change. In the sense that things have gone too far…our capitalist economies are not working for people…we need a more socialist leaning. After however-many years of Greed and Austerity, we have elected clowns, with hatchets, to run our civilisation. Good god! Greed and Austerity and Clowns with Hatchets! More songs to write!!!

There I was, sitting up in bed, minisculating (maybe I made that word up) over the minutiae of the ‘Stagefright‘ mix. Making sure the rubbish bits of Acoustic Guitar don’t get heard and the vocal has all the right reverb in the right sections while trying to filter out organ frequencies and an awkward snare rim-shot. (I could do that organ better!)

At the same time, I did suggest to Anne that I would make French Toast, Cinnamon and Maple Syrup with fresh coffee, so…that mix will need to do!

With breakfast over, it’s time to cut the last of the wood, make a bird table and enjoy the sunshine (but I could definitely re-do the organ!)

I am a recent subscriber to Tim Pierce on YouTube…he’s the guy I would love to have been, rather than the guy I think I am. I watched his Crowded House video on “Don’t dream it’s over” and the ‘fills’ that he recorded during a rehearsal and it made me revisit one of my tunes to see if I could add something nice – rather than what I usually add? 🙂 Also, I can’t refer to Tim Pierce without mentioning Rick Beato – another guy with music skills…he does a fantastic break down of Larry Carlton’s guitar solo in the Steely Dan tune “Kid Charlemagne” – for anyone interested!

• 

• 

Anyhoo…I think we all need a bit of groovy guitar in our lives, so I had a jam with the current mix (number 11) of my tune – “Back in time” – and mastered a better mix (number 15) with a little riff I made, which I’m sure Mick Hucknall would approve of! The only problem… when I play anything groovy… I tend to either play it to death or place it too high in the mix or both!

I’m the same with biscuits! When I find something I like…I do it to death. I recently found Digestive biscuits in Aldi and Lidl at 31 pence! Yes, that’s right…so, instead of paying up to £1.50 for “McVities Digestive” biscuits, I buy 5 packets of “Tower Gate Digestives” and ‘cram’ them with cups of tea. Very soon I’ll realise, I’m sure, that with some heating of Condensed Milk and some melting of Chocolate I’ll be able to get fatter, quicker on Millionaire Shortbread.

It made me think, though…Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go back and add little flourishes whenever we wanted? It’s kind of why I always refused to do live Sound Engineering for bands…because it’s a ‘one-time thing’ and you don’t get to go back to fix anything or make anything better!

We haven’t been out much at night lately – it’s been a bit cloudy, mostly.

Initially…I blamed the Goats. A kid was scared to cross the burn next to the house, so the mother had to hang about for a few days and, in the meantime, they began munching any new growth in the garden…so, small trees and anything in the planters were grinded into green mush for a goat stomach. They were joined by a Sister Goat mother and her kid. We did begin shoo-ing them with a mighty brandishing stick, but they only moved a little and for a little while… so we gave up and watched Netflix.

To be honest, we had kind of given up on any gardening dreams not long after moving in, when we discovered that the deer were munching our plants – I got up around 5am one morning to go for a pee and happened to look out the window and saw a small group of deer, individually floating over fences and slowly making their way through the garden, aimlessly. Last night we shared the garden with five wandering, pregnant sheep who seemed quite happy nibbling millimetres of any new growth before eventually settling to sleep.

To be honest, though, we can’t blame the animals for us not looking at the stars. We always have black nights (no illumination anywhere near us) and we have a brilliant piece of software installed called Stellarium, which details everything we are looking at. And we can’t blame Netflix, Prime, Doritos, Beer or a wood-burning stove for not looking at the Night Sky often enough. Every now and then will need to do!

Night Sky by (H.McMillan)